Sunday, July 6, 2014

Honest and Broken

Can I be brutally honest with you? I don’t feel like writing pretty stories today. Sometimes you just have to speak from your heart.

The past two weeks have been a time of tremendous change for me. I’ve started my own blog, helped launch ReadWriteMuse, and started a new job. How do I feel? Battered. Crushed. Completely worn out. I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the gut.

The exhilaration I felt ten days ago has been replaced by exhaustion. Exciting challenges seem like insurmountable obstacles.

I’m used to shouldering everyone’s burdens and being the strong one. I’ve faced more in the past few years than I’d ever imagined. Somewhere along the line I forgot to lean on Jesus. I forgot how to cast all my cares on Him.

It’s common to perfectionists. We know how to perform well and achieve results. It’s easy to rely on yourself to cope with what comes your way. But I’ve discovered (the hard way) that leaning only on yourself when the big obstacles come along is choosing the most difficult road to travel.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to ask God for help. I know I don’t read my Bible enough, don’t go to church enough, don’t pray enough. It was drilled into my head that to have a relationship with God you have to read your Bible every day and go to church every time the doors are open. As a perfectionist and people pleaser I have always worried that my performance is lacking and God will find me unacceptable.

My logical mind tells me that God must not really feel that way. If He loved me when I was still a sinner then He must understand when I’m struggling. He must know that in my heart I still love Him and have never turned my back on Him. But somewhere in the crevasses of my mind a little voice tells me that I’m not living up to the standards of a good Christian, so I should just give up and leave God alone.

Last night when I crawled into bed feeling tired and emotionally drained, I was thinking about giving up. Thinking about how broken and spent I felt. And a snippet of a Bible verse floated into my mind…something about being pressed on all sides. So I looked it up.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Cor. 4:8-9 (NIV)

Back when I was more confident spiritually, God used to give me verses for myself and others for encouragement or help. Part of me wants to think this verse is just a coincidence, a random memory. But I choose to believe that it's a message just for me. Maybe it's for someone else out there, too.

Last night I really was feeling crushed, destroyed and in despair. It's good to be reminded that if I turn to God for help in shouldering my burdens, He is there to help me through. I don't have to walk through the fire alone. I will still have situations where I am perplexed, hard pressed, and struck down but I will prevail. Things will always get better again.

I know I can't do all this on my own. I've tried and my strength is failing. It's reassuring to know that even when I feel inadequate and think I'm nothing but a wayward child, God can still whisper quietly in my ear and I can still hear Him.


  1. Your hard work is appreciated....I love your blog....I love the Muse.....You climbed a steep slope, so take this moment - while sitting on the edge - and enjoy the view....God speaks to welcome you to the conversation, so talk to Him....

    I meditate and have found great wisdom in my conversations - to include hope, courage, inspiration, and turning my negatives into strengths....Continue to strive for perfection, but know that many already think you are (perfect)....